Donkey's Ears Ago

Extracts from Donkey's Ears Ago.    Edited By Carrie Torode.  Click Here For Purchasing Details.

Noel Trotter

There's a lovely story about a lad who was pulled over late one night by motorcycle cop Noel Trotter.  The police bike stopped a few yards ahead in the head lights of the car.  Noel, of course, took all his time getting off the bike, whilst the lad sat there terrified, trying to remember, 'Was I going too fast?'  'Did I forget to signal?'  Noel, still trying for maximum effect, was taking ages to remove his gauntlets and reach for the button on his notebook pocket.  Still the lad was shaking, 'Perhaps I came too fast over the yellow line?'  'Perhaps I was over the centre white line?'  Then, instead of coming straight to the driver's open window, Noel set off on a walk right round the car, pausing to look at everything.

Eventually he arrived at the window and, with that famous wicked grin of his, he said, "Are you aware that one of your rear lights is not working?"  The lad was so relieved that it was only that, that he made the biggest mistake of all, he started to be sarky, "Oh, is that all officer.  I'm sure I can fix that.  Oh yes, I'm quite sure I can fix that in a jiffy."

He got out and, in a very elaborate and exaggerated way, he drew back his foot and proceeded to kick the back wing.  The light, which was only suffering from a dirty connection, then came on.  The lad, who obviously had no idea of the man he was dealing with, then started to swagger around with, "There officer, are you satisfied with that?  Do you see how easily I've overcome the problem?  It's just," he boasted, "a matter of skill!"

"Yes," said Noel, "You've done well.  In fact, I'd go so far as to say you've done very well.  Now perhaps you would like to go around to the front of the car and kick the windscreen, because your tax has expired!!"

Reggie Lamb

Suddenly, one day whilst I was riding along in the rain, the builder's lorry in front of me slowed down and a leg appeared out of the driver's window, indicating that it was turning right!  Even though I was cold and wet, I had to smile.  It was Reggie Lamb.  The stories about Reggie are legion.  Like the time he was driving down the road and a man ran out of his gate and flagged him down.  Reg stopped and the man said, "Can you give me a lift to the doctor?  I don't like the look of my missus."  Reg said, "I'll come with you, I can't stand the sight of mine!!"

Georgie, a colleague of ours at the workshop, told us of an occasion when he came out of the Iron Stores at the same time as Reggie was leaving.  Realising he'd run out of fags, he asked Reg for one, which naturally he would do, Reggie being as good as gold.  (He'd give you the packet if he thought you were short.)  But just as it happened, Reggie was full of real, sincere apologies as he said he'd just run out himself.

"Don't worry," said Georgie, "I'll get some after."  But Reg went on saying how sorry he was and how Georgie would have been welcome to one if only ……. "Don't worry Reg," Georgie said again.

Reg seemed so upset he didn't have one to give, that Georgie was beginning to wish he hadn't asked.   They said cheerio, jumped in their wagons and Reg pulled out first.  Georgie followed, windscreen wipers working overtime, as it was hammering down with rain.  By coincidence they ended up going the same way, around the fountain, back past the brewery, dropped a gear and started climbing Les Val des Terres.   It was about halfway up, Georgie says, that he noticed, through the rain splattered windscreen, that smoke was billowing out of Reggie's cab window.  He couldn't believe it, looking harder, he caught sight of Reggie in the lorry's wing mirror.  He was grinning from ear to ear and was puffing on four cigarettes in his mouth at the same time.

Georgie said he was so amazed, he started to laugh.  He said he laughed and laughed, convinced he'd now seen it all, but no, the next thing, whole new cigarettes were flying out into the road.  Georgie wanted to stop and get one, 'cos he was dying for a smoke, and he laughed even more when he realised they were hitting the road and dissolving almost immediately in the stream of water covering it.

As Georgie says, only Reggie could get away with it and still be funny.  If he'd just given him the fag it would have been cheaper, but never, never so funny!  As another mate of mine says, Reg is just naturally a happy and funny man.